What If?

My life today is a direct result of going after the “What if’s” in my life:

“What if…”

• I take that job painting houses after college graduation?
• I accept the offer to live in my friends’ parents’ basement instead of in my car, because the job painting houses didn’t work out?
• I ask that girl out?
• I take that job as a courier for a brokerage house?
• I ask that other girl out, the one I met because she was dating a friend (after they broke up)?
• I go for that job on Wall Street?
• I take that next drink…and the next, and the next, etc.?
• I make that phone call?
• I meet up with that girl on the ferry?
• We move in together?
• We get married?
• I quit drinking?
• I quit my job on Wall Street to go into Publishing?
• I leave my job at the publishing company to go to seminary?
  • We move from Staten Island to Philadelphia for school?
  • We move from Philadelphia to the wilds of Montgomery County, PA for my internship?
• We have a baby?
• We get a divorce?
• I become a single father?
• I take that job with a big corporation after I graduate seminary and find myself with no other prospects?
• I buy the house with the money my parents left me?
• I get the cat, the other cat, the dog, the other dog, and so on…
• I decide to transfer to another department…and then another, and finally one more.
• I ask her out, and then her, and also her?
• I ask her to move in?
• I ask her to move out?
• I take my severance from the big corporation and find part-time work with that Garage Door Company, the community service group, and then as a hospital chaplain?
• I ask out THE girl!
• I accept the job as a Project Manager?
• I buy the new car?
  • I let my daughter drive the car?
• I take my insurance money and buy the Acura?
• I accept the part-time job with the industrial cleaning company after getting ‘laid off’ as a Project Manager?
• I burn through my IRA account to pay my bills, when out of work again?
• I become a Patient Transporter at the big hospital?
• I swallow my pride and take the job in the Call Center because I have few other options after losing the job at the hospital due to a fall on the ice?
• I keep seeking a better way?
• I take the new job filled with challenge and doubt?
• I swallow my pride yet again, and work for another call-center, after losing that ‘great’ new job?
• I continue to live my life one day at a time?

And so it goes…

My life is made up of “What if’s”. The path I have followed has led me to live in two major cities, as well as a small Pennsylvania town, where I have found a niche for myself and my daughter.  I have made friends here, become active in my church, enjoyed the local trails and lakes, and have found a healthy relationship with a good woman!

This is not to say that every risk I took was well thought out, or the best choice for me to make for myself or my daughter. Many of my decisions have had bad results, emotionally, career wise and financially, but my life has not been boring! 

And I will never be one of those people who sit back and ask “What if?”

Through following the “What if’s” I have found a stronger connection to my faith, and new outlets for my creativity…as well as a lot of material for these essays that I write and have the audacity to believe people really want to read!

So, I will continue to follow my “What if’s” in life…but only to a point, as I have gained wisdom from climbing up and out of some of my bigger failures. While making bold moves can be exciting, it can also be stupid. I have learned the value of thinking things through, and have said “No, thank you” to some of the “What if’s”, such as “What if I took that next drink?” or “What if I abandoned my responsibilities, and left my troubles behind, by running away?” or more recently: “What if I don’t go to work today, and just keep on driving?”

On “the anvils of experience” I have learned that following my “What if’s” does not mean that I should be foolish or reckless.

This is why I am cannot say I am free of regret…I have lots of them, for both my sins of omission and commission, and I would be lying if I said I would not do anything differently if I had my life to live over again. That said, I am glad that I took the risks and I explored the question of “What if?” Because I did, I now have some of the answers to that question and I am approaching that point where I can accept that my life is what it is, and simply embrace that I am not entirely conventional in the way I have lived my life.

Yet, while I am not that far off from conventional either…just a little ‘bent’, which works for me.