Making the Connection

I take phone calls all day…it’s my job.

These calls are seldom pleasant, as no one calls me just to thank us for the great service we provide to our customers; however, they are not all bad either, most are professional, and I do feel a sense of satisfaction if the customers seem happy when I give them a ticket number and hang up the call.

Most calls are pretty routine however, even the nasty ones often turn out to be “more of the same”: complaints about the bill, service interruption issues, etc., but there are some calls that stand out, because I made a connection (however small) with the customer. Sometimes it is when the account holder has died, or the business has failed, and there are times when I talk with someone from a similar background, or we have a place in common…like New Jersey or NYC.

And, I have had a few calls, where the customer was a stutterer, and as anyone with this affliction can tell you, the phone can present a big challenge…in the midst of many that are faced by those who stutter.

I talk all day long, and have done quite a bit of public speaking, but many are surprised to hear that I used to stutter pretty badly.

I am not a stuttering expert, and really don’t know what causes it, but in my case, I really believe that Karma played a role. In first grade, there was a kid named Pepe, who was a lot of fun to have around, because he was often acting-out and would do almost anything we dared him to do. This meant he was often in trouble, and when he was yelled at he got nervous and this brought out his stutter. Being kids, the milk of human kindness was in pretty short supply, and we made fun of Pepe’s stutter, comparing him to Porky Pig and mimic him.

Of course, it did not take long for me to start stuttering myself.

It felt like I was a broken record. The words were there, but I just couldn’t quite come out, no matter how hard I tried! They simply got stuck! Then, the kids started to make fun of me too…which was not as much fun as teasing Pepe.

At least this got me to stop teasing him, as I was not too young or ignorant to miss the irony. I had hoped the problem might pass when I stopped teasing him, but it persisted for years.

Looking back, I think the stutter sounded worse to me than it really was; however, it still made me self-conscious, and added to my growing social awkwardness and anxiety. It also led me to avoid speaking up in class and to be afraid of public speaking.

And the teasing continued as long as the stuttering remained a problem.

One thing that bothered me almost as much as the teasing, was when people would complete my sentences for me. Often, when it was clear that I was stuck on a word, someone would step in to help, assuming they knew what I was going to say. This would usually break the log-jam, but it was annoying that people…and especially because not all of these folks were well-meaning, some were just tired of waiting for me to finish what I was saying.

Even those who did mean well bugged me; however, I was more frustrated with myself for not being able to get my words out!

This went on until the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in High School. We were on vacation with family friends, when my friends’ father took me aside and told me about his own stuttering problem. This surprised me because he was a pastor, a very good preacher and speaker. He told me how he worked hard to overcome the problem, and then gave me a book, called “Stuttering Solved”. He told me that the book helped him to understand his stuttering and find new ways to face the problem, rather than just relying on tricks like avoiding certain words.

I was a bit embarrassed, but I had known this man most of my life, and saw him as a father figure, so I valued his advice, and actually read the book! In it, the author talked about well-known people in history who had a stutter and what they did to live with it. He talked about Winston Churchill and how he would say “ummm” before he began to speak, as a way of resetting himself. The book also talked about the King George VI of England, who worked hard to overcome his stuttering through practicing steps that would alleviate some of his anxiety about public speaking. Then, the author talked about the country singer: Mel Tillis, who stuttered terribly when he was talking, but had a smooth singing voice.

The author said that this intrigued him. He wondered why Mel could sing so well, but have such a hard time speaking, and after some research, consultation with experts and other stutterers, the author concluded that the trick was air-flow! Of course, the flow of air is crucial to speech, but what he figured out was that the way air flows as we are singing is very different from when we are speaking, and that if a stutterer could use the same process to speak as to sing the stutter almost completely went away.

Then, the author wrote, he actually practiced speaking this way, and found that his stutter disappeared.

Usually, these kinds of process-improvement steps don’t work for me, but in this case, it did! I found that by speaking as if I was singing, my voice became smoother and the stutter all but went away! The change was dramatic, and a relief.

It took some practice, but before long this way of speaking became a habit, and to this day, over 40 years later, I still try to speak with a lilt. This is not to say that I never stuttered again, even now, I can still get stuck on a word, especially when tired or stressed, but it is so much better.

My experience with stuttering (and with being bullied in general) has led me to feel more empathy towards others who are being picked on, and who are struggling with things they cannot necessarily control. This has been helpful when working with kids, on various project teams, and also while working in call-centers, where I have to field dozens of calls every day, from a variety of people.

I worked in my first call-center while in college, it was for an airline. I remember one call I took from a person who could hardly get a word out due to stuttering. One of my co-workers was trying to help, but was getting terribly frustrated with the person, which was evident…and made things worse. I overhead this, and as I was off of my call, offered to take over. The caller was struggling and almost in tears, until I explained that I understood, because I also stuttered, and eventually he calmed, slowed down and we were able to get his flight booked.

This and similar experiences with other stutterers, and with people for whom English is a foreign language have helped me both professionally and personally to have more patience and understanding. This empathy has allowed me to be able to listen to the stories of others, and to identify with the struggles they may be facing…which in turn has helped me to offer support these people the support they needed.

Having someone to connect with, someone who understands, makes a big difference and takes away the added stress of the situation.

And I can use this empathy in any case, as we are all facing our own issues, and often when my customers are difficult, it is because they are struggling with something unrelated to our services. While it may not be fair, or right, people who work Customer Service often play a surrogate role, we are people who can’t really fight back, giving some a ‘safe place’ to express their frustration over many things they feel powerless over.

Note, I don’t see this as healthy for anyone, and I think that there are better ways of dealing with the stress of life than venting on a stranger, but it happens all the same. When it does, I can see it as an opportunity to show these people that everything does not need to be a fight, and that there are better ways for us to treat each other.

However, having someone we can connect with, talk to and even vent with, can be very helpful, especially if they understand where we are coming from, because they have taken the same journey.

And this is one of the lessons I learned from stuttering, and from being adopted, and from struggling with Addiction: any challenge is easier to bear, if we do not have to face it alone.